#16 Paradox Lost
#16 Paradox Lost
Main Entry: paradox
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: contradiction
Synonyms: absurdity, ambiguity, anomaly, catch 22, inconsistency, opposite, puzzle, reverse
Paradox: a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth. Paradox is on my mind. Of course, in this case, Paradox refers to a particular person. A particular female. And Paradox sure has Raven vexed tonight. Damn, where do I begin?
This woman is a paradox in every sense of the word. I’ve known her for about four years. From the moment I met her, there was an immediate attraction. Her physical features made her an anomaly. She had those features that make her stand out in a crowd. Here we have a Black woman, very light complexion, with eyes that changed from green to blue. But wasn’t bi-racial. Maybe one of her parents or grandparents was. I’m talking about those features similar to those of Vanessa Williams or Nicole Ari Parker.
As the old saying goes, Black folk come in all shades including “light, bright and damn near white”. Yeah, she is #3. This proved to be a helpful asset growing up in a rural/suburban area. She had an easier time “passing”. With very few Blacks in the area to associate with, she formed friendships and relationships with white people. She did not necessarily feel like an outcast in her own community. Unfortunately, her gift is also her curse. See, Paradox had a privileged upper-middle class upbringing. She can thank family elder’s entrepreneurial spirit for that. Sustaining a successful business during the civil rights era is a feat noteworthy of praise. They indeed “Finally Got A Piece Of The Pie”. Somewhere along the journey though, instilling Black Pride in her got lost in the sauce. Her world view is a fantasy world of racial ambiguity.
Maybe her family did try to instill Black Pride in her, and she just wasn’t receptive. See there was no external environment from which to absorb the Black Experience. There is something positive to be said about having an urban upbringing. It’s enriching. Having grown up around Blacks, it helped to develop my racial identity. I gained pride and understanding from knowing the history and culture of my people. It’s a learning experience I add to everyday I walk this earth. Having Black Pride doesn’t not mean you hate white people. I associate with white people all the time. But I’m not going to sit here and say that I don’t have any racist tendencies, either. I’m human. No one is perfect. You forgive, but don’t forget. I try not to let my own racial prejudices cloud my judgment. As Dr. Martin Luther King said “Judge people not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character”. I wish I could say the same for Paradox.
As I’ve gotten to know Paradox over the years, I’ve seen her make poor decision after poor decision when it comes to men. Distance kept me from making my move on her. I grit my teeth from far away every time she would tell me one of her crazy stories about the men she’s dated. Those men…yup, you guessed it, white. Not just white. Hillbilly, beer-drinking, pick-up truck driving, country music listening, high school diploma having white boys. Now, I’m not one to judge…HAHA! Fuck that. I am judgmental. But trust me, the conclusions I’ve drawn are NOT from the color of these hick’s skin. But by the content of their character. Paradox has told me that the reason she dated very few Black men is two fold: 1) The limited number of availability in her area. And 2) She is not physically attracted to them…Ouch. That last one hurt. According to her, seeing only white males in her adolescence resulted in her developing an affinity for only the European features. Eh, somewhat understandable. But still inexcusable. There are Black images on television. In magazines. All over the media. Albeit some are negative images, but images nonetheless. None of these dudes looked attractive? Fuckin’ women love Denzel. Tyson Beckford. Tyrese. You don’t find Black features attractive? I thought to myself, she can’t be serious. At the very least, after going off to college and experiencing Blacks for herself, these ill-directed notions should’ve changed. The whole idea reeks of self-hate and racial confusion. It’s absurd. I told her, I think she has an identity crisis.
Could it be that when she looks in the mirror; When she sees those blue eyes, that barely tanned skin; That she sees a white woman? Sometimes, I think so. But I’ve told her, and I hope one day she realizes, she cannot go through life thinking she is entitled to “white privilege”. Sure, your features might give white people a sense of ease. They may not feel as threatened, but rest assure, they know she is NOT one of them. As Paul Mooney said, one of these days she is going to get her “Nigga wake up call”. And when she gets it, she is going to be so hurt. It’s going to be at the most inopportune time, and her so called friends are going to leave her high and dry. But, I digress…
Paradox tells me that she dates these country boys because she is a down home, country girl at heart, herself. She has a little more than most, but she is humble. I commend her for that. In her mind, she doesn’t care that these men aren’t rich or educated. They aren’t the most sophisticated and she is fine with that. Because, she is not trying to be judgmental. She is giving these men a fair chance because she likes their demeanor…Talk about reverse psychology. So let me get this right…Your elders bust their asses against all odds. Against discrimination and racism, to give you the upbringing that you’ve had. They give you the opportunity to associate with educated, wealthy, forward thinking individuals. And you choose to lower yourself to these rednecks level?!! To lower yourself to the level of white trash who don’t have any ambitions for themselves? It’s puzzling to me. It’s as if she feels guilty that her family has so much more than the people around her. To fit in and be accepted by these people, she had to lower herself. In my opinion, she lives in a false sense of “white privilege”, neglecting the fact that her social position actually gives her “BLACK privilege”. It’s a privilege because she is at a level that so many other Black folks seek to attain. People sacrifice so much through hard work and education to achieve more for themselves and their families. And for her to settle for these country boys is a slap in the face to everyone that struggled for her to prosper.
She dates these “good ‘ol boys” but inevitably they cheat on her, yell at her, and all around disrespects her. She doesn’t realize that maybe these guys are only trying to get with her to fulfill their own fantasies of being sexual with a Black woman. Sure, she may not be the “Blackest” chick around, but in their area she is the closest thing to it and that will do just fine. Conversely, Paradox doesn’t mind having a fling or two to fulfill her sexual urges, either. She ain’t Little Miss Innocent. It makes my stomach turn to see a Black woman, as attractive as she is, being frivolous with her sexually. Maybe it’s jealously on my part. Probably a little. But I refuse to lower myself to that level with her, no matter how much I’m attracted to her. I could do what these white boys do. Say what I need to say to get in her pants. But that’s not how I want it. I don’t want to lie. I want to show her that not all Black men are like the stereotypes. Not this one! It’s a catch-22 for me. The dog in me wants to have sex with her by any means necessary. The gentleman in me says no. Do it the right way. Get her heart, then her body. FUCK.
Another thing Paradox said that disheartened me was that when Black men do approach her, they don’t “come correct”. They use slang, and “hey shorty”, “come here mami”, etc. Granted, that’s not the best way to approach a woman, but I’m sure these country boys use their own slang and swagger when they step to her. She says that the Black guys that have approached her are the thug types. Guys that look like they are uneducated, uncouth and into criminal shit. I agree, that those guys are no good. But don’t shoot down a derelict Black man, and then turn around and give all your attention to the White equivalent of that derelict. It’s that inconsistency that pisses me off. I’ve seen Paradox fall in love with alcoholics, players, and bad boys. All of which come in every race on this planet. Yet, if they are white ones, her common sense seems to fly out of the window. Maybe if she would have higher expectations when it comes to ALL men, she wouldn’t get used so much.
She’s told me about times when she’s gotten up out of bed to pick up intoxicated boyfriends from parties at 4 in the morning. Her conscience would not let her sleep if she didn’t. Lord forbid he wrecks on the highway heading home. One time, I can understand. But when it becomes a regular occurrence, then the situation really needs to be reassessed. That’s blatant irresponsibility on the boyfriend’s part if I’ve ever seen it. Once again, I ask myself. Is it jealousy? How dare she give that type of love to a fuckin’ drunk, but shun Black men because she thinks they are scandalous. I guess I wouldn’t be so upset if the white guys she dated actually were worth a damn. But sadly, they are not. Why am I attracted to someone so opposite? It’s because I feel that I can reach her. I believe that I can kindle a Black spirit inside her that has lain dormant for so long. Awaken her to the beauty of her Blackness. If only she would open her eyes to what was right in front of her, she would realize that Paradox Lost could transform into Paradise Found.
Main Entry: paradox
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: contradiction
Synonyms: absurdity, ambiguity, anomaly, catch 22, inconsistency, opposite, puzzle, reverse
Paradox: a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth. Paradox is on my mind. Of course, in this case, Paradox refers to a particular person. A particular female. And Paradox sure has Raven vexed tonight. Damn, where do I begin?
This woman is a paradox in every sense of the word. I’ve known her for about four years. From the moment I met her, there was an immediate attraction. Her physical features made her an anomaly. She had those features that make her stand out in a crowd. Here we have a Black woman, very light complexion, with eyes that changed from green to blue. But wasn’t bi-racial. Maybe one of her parents or grandparents was. I’m talking about those features similar to those of Vanessa Williams or Nicole Ari Parker.
As the old saying goes, Black folk come in all shades including “light, bright and damn near white”. Yeah, she is #3. This proved to be a helpful asset growing up in a rural/suburban area. She had an easier time “passing”. With very few Blacks in the area to associate with, she formed friendships and relationships with white people. She did not necessarily feel like an outcast in her own community. Unfortunately, her gift is also her curse. See, Paradox had a privileged upper-middle class upbringing. She can thank family elder’s entrepreneurial spirit for that. Sustaining a successful business during the civil rights era is a feat noteworthy of praise. They indeed “Finally Got A Piece Of The Pie”. Somewhere along the journey though, instilling Black Pride in her got lost in the sauce. Her world view is a fantasy world of racial ambiguity.
Maybe her family did try to instill Black Pride in her, and she just wasn’t receptive. See there was no external environment from which to absorb the Black Experience. There is something positive to be said about having an urban upbringing. It’s enriching. Having grown up around Blacks, it helped to develop my racial identity. I gained pride and understanding from knowing the history and culture of my people. It’s a learning experience I add to everyday I walk this earth. Having Black Pride doesn’t not mean you hate white people. I associate with white people all the time. But I’m not going to sit here and say that I don’t have any racist tendencies, either. I’m human. No one is perfect. You forgive, but don’t forget. I try not to let my own racial prejudices cloud my judgment. As Dr. Martin Luther King said “Judge people not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character”. I wish I could say the same for Paradox.
As I’ve gotten to know Paradox over the years, I’ve seen her make poor decision after poor decision when it comes to men. Distance kept me from making my move on her. I grit my teeth from far away every time she would tell me one of her crazy stories about the men she’s dated. Those men…yup, you guessed it, white. Not just white. Hillbilly, beer-drinking, pick-up truck driving, country music listening, high school diploma having white boys. Now, I’m not one to judge…HAHA! Fuck that. I am judgmental. But trust me, the conclusions I’ve drawn are NOT from the color of these hick’s skin. But by the content of their character. Paradox has told me that the reason she dated very few Black men is two fold: 1) The limited number of availability in her area. And 2) She is not physically attracted to them…Ouch. That last one hurt. According to her, seeing only white males in her adolescence resulted in her developing an affinity for only the European features. Eh, somewhat understandable. But still inexcusable. There are Black images on television. In magazines. All over the media. Albeit some are negative images, but images nonetheless. None of these dudes looked attractive? Fuckin’ women love Denzel. Tyson Beckford. Tyrese. You don’t find Black features attractive? I thought to myself, she can’t be serious. At the very least, after going off to college and experiencing Blacks for herself, these ill-directed notions should’ve changed. The whole idea reeks of self-hate and racial confusion. It’s absurd. I told her, I think she has an identity crisis.
Could it be that when she looks in the mirror; When she sees those blue eyes, that barely tanned skin; That she sees a white woman? Sometimes, I think so. But I’ve told her, and I hope one day she realizes, she cannot go through life thinking she is entitled to “white privilege”. Sure, your features might give white people a sense of ease. They may not feel as threatened, but rest assure, they know she is NOT one of them. As Paul Mooney said, one of these days she is going to get her “Nigga wake up call”. And when she gets it, she is going to be so hurt. It’s going to be at the most inopportune time, and her so called friends are going to leave her high and dry. But, I digress…
Paradox tells me that she dates these country boys because she is a down home, country girl at heart, herself. She has a little more than most, but she is humble. I commend her for that. In her mind, she doesn’t care that these men aren’t rich or educated. They aren’t the most sophisticated and she is fine with that. Because, she is not trying to be judgmental. She is giving these men a fair chance because she likes their demeanor…Talk about reverse psychology. So let me get this right…Your elders bust their asses against all odds. Against discrimination and racism, to give you the upbringing that you’ve had. They give you the opportunity to associate with educated, wealthy, forward thinking individuals. And you choose to lower yourself to these rednecks level?!! To lower yourself to the level of white trash who don’t have any ambitions for themselves? It’s puzzling to me. It’s as if she feels guilty that her family has so much more than the people around her. To fit in and be accepted by these people, she had to lower herself. In my opinion, she lives in a false sense of “white privilege”, neglecting the fact that her social position actually gives her “BLACK privilege”. It’s a privilege because she is at a level that so many other Black folks seek to attain. People sacrifice so much through hard work and education to achieve more for themselves and their families. And for her to settle for these country boys is a slap in the face to everyone that struggled for her to prosper.
She dates these “good ‘ol boys” but inevitably they cheat on her, yell at her, and all around disrespects her. She doesn’t realize that maybe these guys are only trying to get with her to fulfill their own fantasies of being sexual with a Black woman. Sure, she may not be the “Blackest” chick around, but in their area she is the closest thing to it and that will do just fine. Conversely, Paradox doesn’t mind having a fling or two to fulfill her sexual urges, either. She ain’t Little Miss Innocent. It makes my stomach turn to see a Black woman, as attractive as she is, being frivolous with her sexually. Maybe it’s jealously on my part. Probably a little. But I refuse to lower myself to that level with her, no matter how much I’m attracted to her. I could do what these white boys do. Say what I need to say to get in her pants. But that’s not how I want it. I don’t want to lie. I want to show her that not all Black men are like the stereotypes. Not this one! It’s a catch-22 for me. The dog in me wants to have sex with her by any means necessary. The gentleman in me says no. Do it the right way. Get her heart, then her body. FUCK.
Another thing Paradox said that disheartened me was that when Black men do approach her, they don’t “come correct”. They use slang, and “hey shorty”, “come here mami”, etc. Granted, that’s not the best way to approach a woman, but I’m sure these country boys use their own slang and swagger when they step to her. She says that the Black guys that have approached her are the thug types. Guys that look like they are uneducated, uncouth and into criminal shit. I agree, that those guys are no good. But don’t shoot down a derelict Black man, and then turn around and give all your attention to the White equivalent of that derelict. It’s that inconsistency that pisses me off. I’ve seen Paradox fall in love with alcoholics, players, and bad boys. All of which come in every race on this planet. Yet, if they are white ones, her common sense seems to fly out of the window. Maybe if she would have higher expectations when it comes to ALL men, she wouldn’t get used so much.
She’s told me about times when she’s gotten up out of bed to pick up intoxicated boyfriends from parties at 4 in the morning. Her conscience would not let her sleep if she didn’t. Lord forbid he wrecks on the highway heading home. One time, I can understand. But when it becomes a regular occurrence, then the situation really needs to be reassessed. That’s blatant irresponsibility on the boyfriend’s part if I’ve ever seen it. Once again, I ask myself. Is it jealousy? How dare she give that type of love to a fuckin’ drunk, but shun Black men because she thinks they are scandalous. I guess I wouldn’t be so upset if the white guys she dated actually were worth a damn. But sadly, they are not. Why am I attracted to someone so opposite? It’s because I feel that I can reach her. I believe that I can kindle a Black spirit inside her that has lain dormant for so long. Awaken her to the beauty of her Blackness. If only she would open her eyes to what was right in front of her, she would realize that Paradox Lost could transform into Paradise Found.
posted by Raven Vexation at 3:15 AM
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