#20 Automobile
#20 Automobile
Recently, I was thrown for a loop. I seen a girl I had a serious crush on back in college. It was the first time I had seen her in about six or seven years. And damn, all those emotions I buried came right back. I’ll refer to her as Automobile.
Automobile had that natural beauty that I’m always stressing about. Long hair that was hers. She didn’t over apply her make-up. Pretty smile. She was sexy in every sense of the word. We had several classes together in college, and I got to know her very well. Albeit, confined to the “friend zone”. I was content, at the time. I knew she had a boyfriend, but they were going through troubles. Typical bullshit that young adults go through. Looking back on things, we only knew each other for one school year. Back then it seemed like a longer period. Now I realize it was only a blip on the radar of life.
As graduation grew nearer, I slowly gathered up the nerve to “get with her”. I don’t even know what the fuck I meant by that. I knew she had a man, but I wanted her to leave him for me. Or shit, maybe just be with both of us. All I know is that I didn’t want graduation to be my last time seeing her. The day finally came. I did it in the parking lot as we were leaving. Ok, I admit, not the most romantic place, but at least I had privacy. I had her alone. I proceeded to tell her how I felt about her. I told her how I was a better man for her than her current boyfriend. That I would appreciate a woman like her…She smiled. Told me how sweet I was, but she couldn’t leave her dude. So much for sincerity. Shot down again.
We kept in touch briefly after college, but eventually we fell out of touch. All I had was photographs and memories. Occasionally I would open the album. Stare at her pictures. Wondering where she is. How her life has changed. Did she even still live in our city? Well, unexpectedly, I got those answers. At the sports bar on a Sunday night with one of my friends, there she was. I wasn’t even supposed to go out that night. She was with some co-workers. They were dressed in their medical scrubs. Apparently Automobile had become a nurse. They were shooting pool. At first I wasn’t sure if it was her. So me and my dude decided to do some recognizance. Silver Strike Bowling was two tables away from hers. Just close enough to keep an eye on her and still look inconspicuous. Yup. Sure enough, it was her. She looked tired from a long day’s work, but still that same pretty chick I wanted to be mine.
I called her name from where I was standing, and got her attention. Sure enough, it was her. She replied back. Asked me how I was doing. Small talk. But the conversation was taking place across a divide. I wanted to go closer to her, but she seemed so involved with her friends. The non-verbal signals I was picking up were telling me to stay put. Don’t go and enter the wolf's den. Still, it felt awkward for two old college buddies to be speaking to each other in this fashion. Not face to face. Not even a complete conversation. Just occasional words in between turns on our respective games.
This lasted about a half hour. Then she began to pack up her things. I knew she was about to leave, so I strategically positioned myself near the aisle. I’ll be damned if she walks past me and doesn’t have the courtesy to speak. I thought we were cooler than that. As she was leaving, she came over to speak. What a joy. But wait. No hug? Damn. At least I got to speak to her at close proximity. Her face, still beautiful, but slightly aged more than I expected. She proceeded to tell me about how she is married now. How she has three children, the oldest being six years old. Immediately my mental calculator kicked in. If my math is right, this pregnancy must have occurred shortly after graduation. I didn’t bother asking if her college boyfriend was indeed her husband and babies daddy. Considering the track record of these women out here, most likely, he was.
It just perplexes me that so many women, especially in the Black community, conceive children with men who don’t treat them right. How could Automobile’s situation go from conflict and drama with this guy, to being knocked up by him? And who knows if the other 2 kids are also by that guy? So many questions whirled around in my head. If there is a silver lining in this cloud, assuming the boyfriend and husband are indeed the same person, it is that he married her. He didn’t do like so many other men do and leave her to fend for herself. For that reason, I can’t be a hater.
After giving her the synopsis of my life after college, we said goodbye and she left the bar. I took a few minutes to reflect on our chance meeting. I thought about how much her life had changed. How much mine has not. It has a somber effect on one’s psyche. I feel like life is passing me. I hold on to these memories of what could have been. Hoping that the future will bring happiness. Yet, seeing no change in sight. As if I am a hitch-hiker walking down the road of life. I had my thumb sticking out, and Automobile just drove on by. But I keep walking. Destination unknown.
Recently, I was thrown for a loop. I seen a girl I had a serious crush on back in college. It was the first time I had seen her in about six or seven years. And damn, all those emotions I buried came right back. I’ll refer to her as Automobile.
Automobile had that natural beauty that I’m always stressing about. Long hair that was hers. She didn’t over apply her make-up. Pretty smile. She was sexy in every sense of the word. We had several classes together in college, and I got to know her very well. Albeit, confined to the “friend zone”. I was content, at the time. I knew she had a boyfriend, but they were going through troubles. Typical bullshit that young adults go through. Looking back on things, we only knew each other for one school year. Back then it seemed like a longer period. Now I realize it was only a blip on the radar of life.
As graduation grew nearer, I slowly gathered up the nerve to “get with her”. I don’t even know what the fuck I meant by that. I knew she had a man, but I wanted her to leave him for me. Or shit, maybe just be with both of us. All I know is that I didn’t want graduation to be my last time seeing her. The day finally came. I did it in the parking lot as we were leaving. Ok, I admit, not the most romantic place, but at least I had privacy. I had her alone. I proceeded to tell her how I felt about her. I told her how I was a better man for her than her current boyfriend. That I would appreciate a woman like her…She smiled. Told me how sweet I was, but she couldn’t leave her dude. So much for sincerity. Shot down again.
We kept in touch briefly after college, but eventually we fell out of touch. All I had was photographs and memories. Occasionally I would open the album. Stare at her pictures. Wondering where she is. How her life has changed. Did she even still live in our city? Well, unexpectedly, I got those answers. At the sports bar on a Sunday night with one of my friends, there she was. I wasn’t even supposed to go out that night. She was with some co-workers. They were dressed in their medical scrubs. Apparently Automobile had become a nurse. They were shooting pool. At first I wasn’t sure if it was her. So me and my dude decided to do some recognizance. Silver Strike Bowling was two tables away from hers. Just close enough to keep an eye on her and still look inconspicuous. Yup. Sure enough, it was her. She looked tired from a long day’s work, but still that same pretty chick I wanted to be mine.
I called her name from where I was standing, and got her attention. Sure enough, it was her. She replied back. Asked me how I was doing. Small talk. But the conversation was taking place across a divide. I wanted to go closer to her, but she seemed so involved with her friends. The non-verbal signals I was picking up were telling me to stay put. Don’t go and enter the wolf's den. Still, it felt awkward for two old college buddies to be speaking to each other in this fashion. Not face to face. Not even a complete conversation. Just occasional words in between turns on our respective games.
This lasted about a half hour. Then she began to pack up her things. I knew she was about to leave, so I strategically positioned myself near the aisle. I’ll be damned if she walks past me and doesn’t have the courtesy to speak. I thought we were cooler than that. As she was leaving, she came over to speak. What a joy. But wait. No hug? Damn. At least I got to speak to her at close proximity. Her face, still beautiful, but slightly aged more than I expected. She proceeded to tell me about how she is married now. How she has three children, the oldest being six years old. Immediately my mental calculator kicked in. If my math is right, this pregnancy must have occurred shortly after graduation. I didn’t bother asking if her college boyfriend was indeed her husband and babies daddy. Considering the track record of these women out here, most likely, he was.
It just perplexes me that so many women, especially in the Black community, conceive children with men who don’t treat them right. How could Automobile’s situation go from conflict and drama with this guy, to being knocked up by him? And who knows if the other 2 kids are also by that guy? So many questions whirled around in my head. If there is a silver lining in this cloud, assuming the boyfriend and husband are indeed the same person, it is that he married her. He didn’t do like so many other men do and leave her to fend for herself. For that reason, I can’t be a hater.
After giving her the synopsis of my life after college, we said goodbye and she left the bar. I took a few minutes to reflect on our chance meeting. I thought about how much her life had changed. How much mine has not. It has a somber effect on one’s psyche. I feel like life is passing me. I hold on to these memories of what could have been. Hoping that the future will bring happiness. Yet, seeing no change in sight. As if I am a hitch-hiker walking down the road of life. I had my thumb sticking out, and Automobile just drove on by. But I keep walking. Destination unknown.
posted by Raven Vexation at 3:30 AM
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