#22. Another Day in Paradox
#22. Another Day in Paradox
What is it about this girl that vexes me so? The woman that I often refer to as Paradox has me caught up in a paradox of my own. Why am I so attracted to this woman? Why do I continue to maintain a friendship with her, despite her stubbornness? As I said in a previous blog, there are many things about her that I like. Yet, her lack of interest in her cultural identity frustrates me to the point I want to scream. If I had my way, she would sit through a years worth of Black Studies at a University. Maybe then Paradox would see the important contributions Blacks have made to this country. Develop more self pride. Embrace her Blackness.
But when I really think about it, it’s not only her Blackness that I want her to embrace. It’s MY Blackness. At the heart of the matter, I really want her to embrace ME. In my mind, I believe I embody the positive characteristics of a strong, intelligent Black man. For her to shun away her Blackness is to reject ME.
Needless to say, I’m confused. Yeah, I’m really fucked up. I know it. If I wasn’t, I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog. I’ve previously addressed my constant inner battle over my feeling towards Black women. How I feel I’ve been ignored by them. Then I turn around and develop this crush for a Black woman who overlooks her own heritage. How crazy is that? As if I want to make Paradox into the Black woman that I’ve always wanted. A doting cause considering Paradox can’t see the Black beauty within herself.
The entire situation is ironic. It lends itself to a commonly held opinion of certain members of my family. See, they have constantly accused me of liking “Oreo Cookies”.
Women who are physically “Black” on the outside and “white” in the inside. Even though, I have only brought a small number of the females I have dated around to meet my family, they seem to hold this notion. Even stranger is that none of those females even qualified for “Oreo” status. It’s true that I seek a woman that is educated, articulate and carries herself well. But why is it that they think if I find those qualities in a Black woman that makes her “white” inside? It shows how ignorant some of my relatives can be.
I think if my relatives ever met Paradox, they would be swift to label her an Oreo. “Uh Huh, Raven. You went and did it now!! We knew you would” is what they would say. To them, she would be the epitome of Oreo. Her light skin. Those Technicolor eyes. Her proper speech. Clueless on issues relevant to the Black Community…And you know what? They would be right. I would be guilty as charged. Maybe deep down, that’s why I wish Paradox was so much more in tuned with her Blackness. Part of me doesn’t want to prove them right. The other part of me just doesn’t give a fuck. What’s important is my own happiness. While it may be an accurate description of her, they would be totally mistaken on why I’m attracted to her. Or would they? Fuck, I don’t know…Yes, I like the fact that she isn’t a ghetto chick. I want a woman that can speak with eloquence. But that doesn’t mean I active seek out Oreos. Take everything about Paradox. Her physical features… and you put an afro-centric mind into that body. Then you could no longer label her an Oreo. Internally, she would be more in tune with her Blackness than those condemnatory relatives. You know?
I’ve known Paradox few years now. Confined to the friend zone for that entire time. We’ve never crossed that line for a host of reasons. Never single at the same time. Considerable distance between our residences. She’s a country girl and I’m a city slicker. The big one in particular is I’ve always felt that in the end that I would end up regretting it. I’ve always felt that if I let me guard down with this woman, ultimately she would break my heart. My militant attitudes might be too much for her. When you’ve been so entrenched in “white bread” Americana, it’s hard to understand that being pro-Black doesn’t mean being anti-white. In the end, I would be too Black for her to deal with. She’d run back to her comfort zone.
To complicate things, over the last few months, Paradox and I have gotten closer. More frequent visits. Enjoying each others company. I haven’t attempted to kiss her, but I’ve wanted too. I’m on the verge of making a move that would definitely be crossing the “friend” line. I’m afraid once that line’s been crossed; there may be no going back. Unfortunately, I know from her past experiences that she has crossed that friend line with other men. Not just crossing it, but blasting past with blatant disregard. Being sexually intimate with these men, but when the flings are over, they remain friends. To me, that is so fucked up on so many levels. It harkens back to self-respect. A trait that any girlfriend of mine MUST have.
That being said. If I were to attempt a relationship with her and it didn’t work out, there is a possibility we would remain friends. Or at least she would want to try to be. It would be much tougher for me to commit. Depends on how much I’ve invested emotionally into it. See, I don’t want her to treat me as just another fling. Just another friend with benefits. That’s not what I want from her. I want love. I want her to also experience that love, because in my opinion, none of the men that she has previously dated has ever given her that love that she deserves. How would she react to a man that was truly about business? Would she stay or run away?
What is it about this girl that vexes me so? The woman that I often refer to as Paradox has me caught up in a paradox of my own. Why am I so attracted to this woman? Why do I continue to maintain a friendship with her, despite her stubbornness? As I said in a previous blog, there are many things about her that I like. Yet, her lack of interest in her cultural identity frustrates me to the point I want to scream. If I had my way, she would sit through a years worth of Black Studies at a University. Maybe then Paradox would see the important contributions Blacks have made to this country. Develop more self pride. Embrace her Blackness.
But when I really think about it, it’s not only her Blackness that I want her to embrace. It’s MY Blackness. At the heart of the matter, I really want her to embrace ME. In my mind, I believe I embody the positive characteristics of a strong, intelligent Black man. For her to shun away her Blackness is to reject ME.
Needless to say, I’m confused. Yeah, I’m really fucked up. I know it. If I wasn’t, I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog. I’ve previously addressed my constant inner battle over my feeling towards Black women. How I feel I’ve been ignored by them. Then I turn around and develop this crush for a Black woman who overlooks her own heritage. How crazy is that? As if I want to make Paradox into the Black woman that I’ve always wanted. A doting cause considering Paradox can’t see the Black beauty within herself.
The entire situation is ironic. It lends itself to a commonly held opinion of certain members of my family. See, they have constantly accused me of liking “Oreo Cookies”.
Women who are physically “Black” on the outside and “white” in the inside. Even though, I have only brought a small number of the females I have dated around to meet my family, they seem to hold this notion. Even stranger is that none of those females even qualified for “Oreo” status. It’s true that I seek a woman that is educated, articulate and carries herself well. But why is it that they think if I find those qualities in a Black woman that makes her “white” inside? It shows how ignorant some of my relatives can be.
I think if my relatives ever met Paradox, they would be swift to label her an Oreo. “Uh Huh, Raven. You went and did it now!! We knew you would” is what they would say. To them, she would be the epitome of Oreo. Her light skin. Those Technicolor eyes. Her proper speech. Clueless on issues relevant to the Black Community…And you know what? They would be right. I would be guilty as charged. Maybe deep down, that’s why I wish Paradox was so much more in tuned with her Blackness. Part of me doesn’t want to prove them right. The other part of me just doesn’t give a fuck. What’s important is my own happiness. While it may be an accurate description of her, they would be totally mistaken on why I’m attracted to her. Or would they? Fuck, I don’t know…Yes, I like the fact that she isn’t a ghetto chick. I want a woman that can speak with eloquence. But that doesn’t mean I active seek out Oreos. Take everything about Paradox. Her physical features… and you put an afro-centric mind into that body. Then you could no longer label her an Oreo. Internally, she would be more in tune with her Blackness than those condemnatory relatives. You know?
I’ve known Paradox few years now. Confined to the friend zone for that entire time. We’ve never crossed that line for a host of reasons. Never single at the same time. Considerable distance between our residences. She’s a country girl and I’m a city slicker. The big one in particular is I’ve always felt that in the end that I would end up regretting it. I’ve always felt that if I let me guard down with this woman, ultimately she would break my heart. My militant attitudes might be too much for her. When you’ve been so entrenched in “white bread” Americana, it’s hard to understand that being pro-Black doesn’t mean being anti-white. In the end, I would be too Black for her to deal with. She’d run back to her comfort zone.
To complicate things, over the last few months, Paradox and I have gotten closer. More frequent visits. Enjoying each others company. I haven’t attempted to kiss her, but I’ve wanted too. I’m on the verge of making a move that would definitely be crossing the “friend” line. I’m afraid once that line’s been crossed; there may be no going back. Unfortunately, I know from her past experiences that she has crossed that friend line with other men. Not just crossing it, but blasting past with blatant disregard. Being sexually intimate with these men, but when the flings are over, they remain friends. To me, that is so fucked up on so many levels. It harkens back to self-respect. A trait that any girlfriend of mine MUST have.
That being said. If I were to attempt a relationship with her and it didn’t work out, there is a possibility we would remain friends. Or at least she would want to try to be. It would be much tougher for me to commit. Depends on how much I’ve invested emotionally into it. See, I don’t want her to treat me as just another fling. Just another friend with benefits. That’s not what I want from her. I want love. I want her to also experience that love, because in my opinion, none of the men that she has previously dated has ever given her that love that she deserves. How would she react to a man that was truly about business? Would she stay or run away?
posted by Raven Vexation at 3:24 AM
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